Crazy adventures of a brenna

You have no idea what your getting yourself into by reading this

Thursday August, 14th 2014
It's been a very long time. We lived in our apartment for a year. Ron started skipping work a lot and eventually stopped working all together. He had a system setup so they couldn't fire him but they ended up firing his entire team. Our landlord then got upset we had cats so we got Wifi setup as a ESA which is immune to any pet restrictions or rules. They told us we still had to get rid of them. I argued the point back and eventually they just kicked us out for a different reason. We then had to move to Toledo OR and help my mom with her boyfriend Jeff's bar. He paid me 150 a week and I made like 3$ in tips most nights. Except one night where a drunk guy left like 200$ so that was nice. The landlord from previous place charged me 1000$ in stupid fee's like painting which legally they can't charge for. Ended up getting sick of Toledo so we were able to move in with Dad and Jade for awhile till we found a place. I found a job immediately at IBEX where Ron used to work. Living with them was really hard because all of us including the cats couldn't leave the bedroom. Finally we found an apartment across from where Andrea lives.

I was able to get a van from my coworker Tyler for 150$ which was a good deal except the car has a ton of issues, which is going to cost us a bit to fix. Also got a couch from another coworker for super cheap too, but it won't fit into my apartment and we scratched the ceiling and wall trying to get it in. Super upset about that and I don't know what to do because now we have the gross green couch from our previous apartment in here.

So I've made a few friends at work Tyler (aka Sparky), Natasha, Randy (aka eskiMO), Courtney, Jessica, Will, and Chantz (aka Chansey). It's fun to chat with them but Randy is a little weird. I've talked to Rons old coworkers Kristen and Chris a couple of times. It was funny because Chris didn't actually recognize me for almost 2 months. Finally he came over with Chantz one day and saw my ilog and noticed my name and was shocked I was Ron's wife. He started walking around telling everyone he knew that I was Ron's wife. That's how I connected to Chantz. He hung out for a bit and chatted with me with Chris and learned I played League and other things. I mentioned I was moving soon and he offered to help us. So I added him on FB and saved his phone number. He ended up being pretty cool to hang with. He's had fun with me and Andrea a few times.

Ron and I are in-between a split up. I finally worked up the courage to try to leave for good even though I've never been able to be strong enough to say goodbye. He of course shot me down instantly and basically now I'm forced to stay in this relationship. He told me everyone says I need to stay with him but when I question them they disagree with that. He also turned my Dad and Jade against me. I feel completely overwhelmed, to make it worse Grandpa Oda just passed away and I'm pissed that Geoff and his wife Kathie just pulled the plug on him after 1 day of being on life support after going into cardiac arrest. Anyways with Ron I just wish I could go back in time or lose my memories of the pain. I feel like a slave stuck here but I just need to accept it and go on. I know I've told myself this many times in our relationship that I should just be a slave like I was with  Kevin but I've been having a hard time forcing myself for some reason. I need to just learn to accept that I married him and said I do and I accepted it this way. I know we married in a rush because we wanted to be married for his family and also because when we first met up we weren't even going to fall in love we were just going to stay with each other while he was in the military so that I could have a stable home to raise Mikah but he could have companionship. I guess we screwed up our goals. Now we are going to go to counseling and Ron is trying to seek help from therapists. Seems like he has borderline personality disorder which makes sense, the symptoms fit him perfectly. I wanted to separate and try to re-love him much like I did with Kevin over 20 times but he doesn't want to so we are just going to try to go to therapy. I know that I'm very much like an animal that when forced into a corner I just go limp or fight back so it's interesting to see how my emotions change. So we shall see how this goes from now on. I'm interested to see if it works out or if it's just a big waste of time. I know with Kevin I never had the courage to leave him because of the stupidity of Amy's words when she said we wouldn't work out it made it a challenge to stay with him as long as possible. I know with Ron the challenge is set out because I have to prove to Kevin that I was right in leaving him for Ron.

Tuesday, April 20th 2013
Holy Banana's I have't posted in a long time. Okay so since my birthday basically in January we decided we were going to move to Oregon in May. Well Ron's mom decided around I think January 20th to pick a huge fight with us. Saying that we are abnormal and abusive parents and that she would have our kids taken away from us if she could. She talked about how her family is what family is supposed to be like and that we should be more like them because all of her friends have told her this. Even though they are liars thieves and seriously messed up. Well so we had this huge argument and my mom said fine just get out of there so she sends me money and we move.

Spent 5 days driving. It was exhausting but at least my mom helped by getting us a hotel each night that I will be eternally grateful for. I am really sad about everything I had to leave behind. My furniture, clothes, all my anime and manga. Kids toys.. oh man so much stuff it's very depressing. All my kitchen stuff. I tried to only bring what really meant a lot to me. Well we figured out that when we got here we were going to stay with my dad  and Jade but they were in Hawaii until the 8th of February. So Misha was awesome and said we could stay with her until my dad came back. Well we stayed with them and they mostly just slept the whole time. It was funny but then my dad and them got back and so we went there for a week while we looked for a place of our own. Taxes came in while we were there thank God!!! We were really worried about not having any money. I spent most the money catching up old bills felt really good to do that. So we found a place and moved in near the end of February. We spent months trying to find Ron a job and finally he found a tech job making great money although we got behind again on bills. Hoping that once next month passes we'll be all good.

My mom also moved her a couple weeks ago she got a job last week and has been in portland most of the time now. I'm glad she is here. We went to portland this weekend and went to the zoo it was really really fun. We walked all over the place and it wore out Ron but I'm really happy about that because he needs to start excersizing more. He has watched biggest loser and seen how hard those people work out and he seems to think he can't do that. Even though they are more overweight and doing more work he says its impossible for him. He really needs someone like Jillian to tell him he can't give up. He doesn't listen to me. I don't know what to do for him. I've tried saying it nicely and he just says okay I'll do it. Then he never does. I say it mean and he just gets depressed. I don't know anymore how to get him to be healthy. He can't use being too stressed anymore I know that the bills aren't paid and it's stressful but nothing he does right now is going to fix that other than time.

Things are finally settling down and it's good. I'm really excited so much so that I'm getting ahead of myself with dreams of the next couple years and wishing they'd go by faster so I can be in a better place in life. I need to step back and breathe and enjoy to today with my family as much as possible cause I never know what could happen in the future.

Sunday, November 18th, 2012
Well we've had many more fights and the stress level just keeps rising. I feel like everyday is a struggle for me. Between Ron acting like a child and making me feel like the only responsible person and Colette wanting to be on me 24/7. Lack of studying. Lack of money. I don't know how much more I can take. For my birthday I got a hello kitty notebook for 5$ and a 15$ eyeliner which I had to buy in order to get the free gift from Sephora. Freaking expensive stuff. I also learned on my birthday my 20$ buxom lip plumper I got from Sephora disappeared. I'm freaking out because of it, I loved that stuff. I had it when I was 13 and I finally was able to find it again. I lost it after 2 weeks.              

Thursday, August 30th 2012
So Ron's comes downstairs calling Ron's name obnoxiously several times and I'm standing right there. So I say Ron your mom is calling you and she says in the most condescending tone, which for her is normal. Asks what Mikah ate for breakfast, then lunch, then dinner, what drinks did he have, what time did he get up. After the first question my blood started boiling but I calmly list what he has eaten and tell her he slept till 11 then napped at 1 and I hear Kendall from upstairs say, see he has slept all day and hasn't eaten anything he is probably thirsty. For your information miss 15 year bitchy know it all. He did eat, maybe not junk food like you guys love feeding him alll day long but he ate. As for drinking, you can't pick a drink up without Mikah stealing it. So tell me how I managed to make him thirsty. Not only that, I'm his freaking mother for God's sake, do you seriously think I would starve my child. So when he says mom I'm thirsty drink please, I'm just supposed to say oh no you can't have one. Yeah that's totally me. 

So I'm obviously angry at this point but I have a very nonconfrontational personality so I even if I'm pissed I won't say anything. So then she asks my why I don't cook him anything. Seeing as he had pb and jelly toast sandwich for breakfast, spaggehti for lunch and a sandwich and fries for dinner. I don't think I need to cook him anything. So I point to where the kitchen is supposed to be down here and say in what kitchen jokingly. Ron then laughs and says yeah what kitchen. She then replies don't be stupid there is a kitchen upstairs. I then say very quietly and calmly I don't like cooking up there. She says why. So I reply honestly, I say it's disgusting. With the mildew, mold. rotten food, blood and who knows what else all over the place. the fact all the dishes are washed with a sponge that is used to clean the floor and clean up after dogs. I really don't want to use their dishes, but I didn't say any of that extra stuff just the disgusting part. She then does this black lady uh-uh you did not just say that face even does the head bob back and forth and I can see the fire in her eyes. I thought she was going to dive me there. She says WHAT do YOU mean DISGUSTING!!! Then a very long rant starts and at this point I don't know exactely what she said something about her house and how all they do is do for us and we are ungrateful children and some more bullshit. Ron then very condescendingly shoves me into the hallway by our door and tells me to go. Now I'm pissed! So I push myself back into the room and I begin to say something but he shoves me again. So then I'm like whatever ass, and I decide to get the baby who is in the living room but apparently I'm not allowed to do that either, I get shoved again. For God's sake!! So I go in the room I think this is the most angry I've ever felt in my entire life. I mean I could murder people at this point. 

So I'm sitting there listening to them argue and just commenting on everything she is saying. I know a perfect comeback for everything she says cause she is so stupid and ridiculous it wouldn't be hard to put her in her place. Of course Ron says nothing just lets her go. Although Ron did say one funny thing, she was yelling and Ron says do you need a minute to stop acting like a child and act like an adult. I laughed at that. Well the continued to argue about everything and I'm just in udder shock at the crap spilling from her mouth. She says we haven't done anything since we got here and how she has done everything to help us. I just can't believe that. They promised Ron he could get an amazing job. They promised they'd help us with a car. They promised they would stop smoking. They promised they could watch the kids. (which they are terrible at) I mean seriously we don't even have a door. Really? Our hallways is covered in their clothes. Dirty and clean 24/7. They sneak downstairs and steal my stuff. There is a serious infestation of bugs. They have a list of things they promised us none of which they've done. I just can't believe she had the audacity to argue with us like that. You can't even argue with her cause she doesn't make any sense. It's like arguing with a 2 year old. Mikah argues better.

Finally Ron stops arguing with her and comes to the room so I start shoving him like he did to me and ask him how it feels. He says he was protecting me. Which is just crap I am an adult and should have the right to voice my opinions. So I was angry with him telling me that I'm not allowed to argue with her. Everytime for the last 6 months in our arguements I've said I'm done with this and that I'm leaving and somehow he thinks he can tell me not to by saying he has a plan.

Wednesday, August 8th 2012
Today I got up and got the baby dressed and got ready to go to Dunkin Donuts cause that's what I craved. After waiting for Ron for a half an hour to get outta bed. He finally got up and we went, now the plan was to just get dunkin donuts but Ron's like ohh Hardee's lets get burgers. I say but we already got Dunkin Donuts but okay cause I never say no to Ron.

So we get home and I organize a little and Ron gets on the computer and plays League of Legends. I feed the baby till she falls asleep then I do some stuff until Ron's mom gets back with the car.

We hed to the mall and walk around a little then head to Hottopic and they are having a sale so I'm like ohh lets get something. So Ron gets a shirt and I got a super cute Hello Kitty bag. We headed to Spencers and tried to get Colette shoes and these 2 guys walk up to me and start talking about I'm not sure what and then Ron walks up and they kinda stop talking but start talking again and then it seemed like they were trying to invite me to a theme park, which creeped me out. I thought they worked there cause they acted like they did. So later on I asked them a question and they were like oh we don't work here. Funniest part was they let me talk about my question for quite a long time before telling me they weren't employee's. Turns out they didn't have Colette's size so I would have to buy her shoes online. 

Then we walk around some more and I got a godiva milkshake which Ron got to pick out the flavor which I don't like white chocolate but its what he wanted and he ended up not even wanting it..Ugh I shoulda gotten milk chocolate like I wanted. Then I got to go in this awesome store called Teavana but Ron was hounding me to get out and so I rushed myself got a tasty rose/jasmine/other stuff tea. Then Ron got some Pretzels and I fed the baby and then I got some chinese food. 

So really we didn't end up getting any toys. I felt rushed through the mall by Ron and pressured when I was in each store to hurry up. It makes buying things very hard. Especially when I do get to buy something I'm in so much shock from actually being able to get something that I stress about what to pick.

Tuesday, August 21st 2012
Listening to Baby Einstein, upstairs screaming, Mikah crying, and trying to relax and be peaceful its like trying to freeze hell. Impossible I say but Ron keeps insisting I have to. I just want to leave but since that isn't going to happen till I graduate I'm trying to figure out a way to find peace. Although peace right now seems like a dream. I seriously need to see a therapise. I can't seem to get an appointment with anyone though.

Here is a list of my problems: My sleep schedule is terrible. My schedule in general is terrible everyday is a crazy assortment of random things that happen last minute and nothing is ever organized. The kids need a sleep schedule. I eat incredibly unhealthy and am starting to get fat and lazier with everyday. I don't excersize besides chasing the kids around. I have 0 time to myself to do anything I enjoy IE. drawing, reading, writing, anything. I am ravaged by everylittle thing that bothers me and I just keep replaying it in my head over and over again until I can't even remember what happened I just remember the emotional stress and anxiety that whatever happened caused me. My memory is gone. Ron doesn't do much and when he does he thinks I should be eternally grateful for the small thing he did, and I feel like I should be glad he did something but that's just it all he did was one thing what about all the other things he said he would do or should be doing. I'm torn between being angry at him and supporting him. I don't feel loved or feel like I'm loving him. I love him but I'm not active about loving him. We've had sex maybe 4 times since I had Colette and I just don't feel loved enough to do it and a man doesn't feel loved unless he gets it. I have no support from my family just more problems and then his family to add on top of it.

I feel like I'm in a glass house and any moment it will shatter with all the weight on top of it and I'll be crushed. I feel like I'm losing my sanity and I want badly to be at peace and happy.

My list of wants to so high and such a high priority too. I mean when you feel like you'll cry from happiness if you had a vacuum is that ridiculous to want these things. I mean I feel there is so much we need. A computer desk for Ron seriously is needed. We need a house, we need jobs, we seriously need stress relievers, we need a kitchen of our own, we need a new couch, a new toaster, a broom and mop. Is it ridiculous I want these things so bad. I want to be a normal home with my kids and just living my life with normal day to day problems rather than all this insanity.

I look at people with there perfect lives and I just hate them, what I would give to have that. I feel like if I just put effort in I could get that but then I feel like it's hopeless why even bother. I feel surrounded by a wave that just stops me in my tracks when I get the motivation to push on and do something to better our situation. I think I should just get a job and work opposite hours as Ron but then I think what about the children it just seems like a bad idea. I'm scared really is all there is too it. I'm terrified to be away from them. I'm scared of the risks.

What if I can't get to work and am fired since we don't have a car what if I fail my school because I can't study. I'm living in a world of what if's everyday what if I am not able to hold my tongue and I spout out things to his family that I have been holding for so long. How badly I want to tell them they are one of the worst families I've ever seen. How they claim love and kindness and helpfulness and how God holds them together and what a load of shit they spout. How they betray each other everyday and talk about each other behind there backs. How the parents are not even the smallest resemblence of parenthood I could imagine. How 1 child has the mentality of a 2 year old and they just treat her like shit, 1 thinks that she is the parent and acts like an insufferable know it all and then goes out and sleeps around and does ridiculously immature things. 1 who is bossed around all day long and when he gets a 2nd to himself he is told to get back up. 1 who hates the rest of the family and just sits on her butt smoking all day and yelling at everyone else and spending the money they make on the most worthless shit and then complaining about how everyone else is spending their money. 1 who doesn't even have half a brain because he lost it in a motorcycle accident when he decided to run into a tree. Really.. This lack of any control family with so much drama they could host a tv show, we are supposed to build our family and heal any issue we have in a house like this. A house, what a laugh this thing is not even the assemblence of a house let alone a home. You can't sit in this house for 10 minutes without wanting to find the emergency exit and book it as fast as you can.

Did I mention they have 3 dogs, a pond of fish, a bearded dragon, and a small aquarium of goldfish. Now those dogs hate each other and spend most of there days locked up and when they are free they rip each other apart and shit and piss all over the house.   The fish which she keeps buying new ones keep dying because she feeds them once a month and cleans out there aquarium every 3 months when I actually am the one who cleans it. The bearded dragon had no heat lamps and was hiding in a corner buried under tons of junk when I moved here. I didn't even know they had it for the first week cause it was buried. I feel terrible for these creatures that live this terrible life here. 1 of the dogs is so old he can't even move well he is probably dying and they just keep letting him live in misery and when the other dog starts a fight with him he gets yelled at and punished while the others get a treat.

Has your brain exploded yet? It should have, I don't know why mine hasn't. Sadly all this is just the tip of the iceberg I could go on for an eternity of time on the problems here the lack of respect between members the harsh treatment that everyone gives each other the lying the thievery. The screaming....*shudder* How my son learns terrible bad habits everyday that I just hope he doesn't hold on to when we move. How I want to get out soon so my daughter doesn't go through it too.

To think the only person here I can confide in is my husband Ron and he is too busy living in his computer generated world to "deal" with his wife drownding in stress. He's gives off a lack of care while reminding me he does care but now proof yet of that other than hollow words with nothing behind them. He promises things and I watch him sit here with his daughter crying as his feet and he is too busy reading internet bullshit to pick her up and rock her. Then he wonders why she cries wanting me over him. 

Have I released enough stress for one day, no but this was a start towards me trying to relieve stress. Guess I should get something productive done while the baby naps. So much for a good nightime routine!

Wednesday, June 20th 2012
Been a very long time since I last wrote. I have got to remember to do this. I think I'll set up a reminder to do this every week or something. Well Colette was born and things were the same. People steal my stuff every week. Yelling and screaming everyday upstairs. Mikah's bad habits are slowly getting worse and worse.

Ron lost his job at Safeway because he got sick and threw up at work. Then couldn't find another new job until June 8th. So we have been screwed for months. Finally he got a job at Taco Bell. We are hoping he can get enough money we can pay for a car and then move and he can take a test and get his certification and work somewhere that will pay well. He has been extremely sick for months. He has had mono, high blood pressure, pretty much everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong with him. He is finally started to get healthy but still overly stressed from being in this house.

I started school in March, but I'm disappointed I choose this school because its way more expensive than a college and with a college I get a degree with this school I just become certified. Hopefully everything will work out. It seems everyone around me has gone through hardships as long as we have but there lives are turning around. I want mine to finally turn around. I pray and just put my faith in God and hope I get through this.

The drama level of this house is the same level of a high school reality tv show. It's insane how dramatic these people are. I mean 1 night the girls are getting caught sleeping with someone. The next night they are getting tattoo's. I mean SERIOUSLY? People freaking chill out and stop being so stupid. This whole family has the mentality of 5 year olds. The worse part is they think they are all justifiable so they all talk like they are completely right and normal. The other day Madison is arguing with me about how pot is good for you. She said that she has tons of friends that do drugs and can tell me its perfectly healthy. Seriously... How stupid can you get. I have a father who abandoned me for pot. An ex who's parents are complete morons and worthless because drugs are the most important part of there lives. I know what pot does to people. I don't need a little girl trying to tell me what I do and do not know. Not to mention she does this with everything! She tells me because her dad caught her in bed with a man that he had every right to beat the living crap out of her and tons of other moronic ideas. Sometimes I want to smack her with reality and knock her out of that cloud of fantasy that she lives in. Her and all of them are just so delusional. Makes my head spin.

I keep just trying to be nice and think nice thoughts and try not to be negative, but when my, my childrens, and my husbands health is involved I feel like I have some right to be angry. I don't know I just don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to have to search the house for my stuff that goes missing. I've lost so much stuff because of these people. So much money flushed down the toilet because of them. So much stress. I just want a ray of sunshine to save me and my family.

Colette's Birth

September 12th 12am I was having routine contractions that were fairly painful so I called the doctor. She said she wasn't sure if I was far enough along or not. So I said I wasn't sure if I would go in or not but that I probably would. She said okay she'd tell them I'm coming. I thought about it and decided I wouldn't go in quite yet. So we go to bed and just as we fall asleep my water breaks. Time to get up and actually go. I call the doctor again and tell her what happened and she said she thought I was going in. So we pack up and head in. 

5am they put me in triage and I am measured at 4cm dialated and my water has broken so they transfer me to a delivery room. They get me all corded up and measure me, I was at 5cm. 

7am They come to put my epidural in. Ron is supposed to hold my hand but he's so afraid of needle that he stood there and watched. It made him feel sick. After awhile they come and check on me. The epidural was way different feeling than last time. I still could feel my legs but they were very heavy. I was also feeling the contractions but they weren't really painful. The nurse measured me and said I was about a 6 and that my water wasn't broken all the way. So she goes and gets the doctor and he breaks my water. (3rd time I had my water "break")

At one point Kendall was sitting there and she said something was dripping off the bed. So she called the nurse and they came in and apparently my water had another release of fluid. So my bed was completely soaked as was I (couldn't feel it) and the floor.

9am The doctor came in to measure me and I was progressing fast. I was at 8cm, he said I'd be 10 in no time so he'd be back in a bit and I'd probably be ready to push. I was so excited and nervous at this point I couldn't wait to have my baby.

So we waited and waited for him to come back. Eventually we got scared he wasn't coming.

At 10 something am The doctor and nurse come in and he measures me and says its time. So the nurse gets everything out and starts prepping for delivery. The doctor tells me I could probably have the baby before he comes back, then he leaves. I was really confused where he was going since I was having a baby come out of me. He comes back to check on the progress and leaves again.

The nurse then decides its time for me to push, so she explains everything and I start pushing. After 1 push she says to stop that Colette's head is right there. I have alot of questions and none at the same time. I'm so happy to be giving birth to her I wanna push so badly to see her. I'm wondering where on earth the doctor is. What on earth is Ron thinking. What is everyone else thinking. Am I pooping myself. Is it safe to have the baby just sit there. As I was thinking on all these things apparently I was unconciously pushing, which the nurse see's and then tells me to stop :P

Doctor comes back in. They unveil a table of shiny metal things and he gets in the chair to deliver the baby. The nurse tells Ron to support my head so I don't have to. The doctor tells me I can feel her head. So I carefully reach down a little scared then I feel her head and I can't believe it. He then says to push so I start pushing but not with very much effort cause I'm so nervous and excited. He tells me to push harder, realizing that I need to put effort into I push and out comes Colette. The doctor says I can pull her onto my chest so I grab her and heave her onto my chest. I don't even know what to think. She is finally here! She is so beautiful and amazing!

It was quite the experience. I don't think I slept the entire time I was in the hospital. I was just to happy to have her. I'm so lucky to have a boy and a girl. I want to so badly not make any mistakes, although I know I can't but I want to try the best I can to give her a good life.

Wednesday, Aug 3rd 2011
Okay been forever since I've written but I feel like this is the best way to put my emotions on papers and get things off my chest. So lets see after I left off I continued going to school and just lived life up in North Dakota. A lot of things happened such as I had a miscarriage after 1 day of knowing I was pregnant they said I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Then I got pregnant this time for real, time went by found out we were having a girl. Then I started disliking living there so we began discussing where we should move. I wanted to move to Oregon because I love it there but I know that there isn't a lot of jobs there and not a lot of supportive family either. Well Ron's grandma sent us an email saying her husband had died and they were going to hold a memorial in Maryland and Ron's whole family was going to be there. I figured that was a great time to tell them about my pregnancy as well as us getting married and to kinda scope out MD to decide if we want to move there.

Well we decided we wanted to be married before we went down to Maryland because his family holds high faith in being married before having children and all that which of course I am too so it was just more encouragement and we were planning on getting married in February but it didn't happen because I was way to sick to say my vows. We got married on May 4th and then we went to visit the family and go to the memorial and we had an amazing time. His family was wonderful and Maryland was a lot like Oregon with just a few differences. We talked to his mom and they said that we would have the entire downstairs (basically an apartment without a kitchen but they were going to add a fridge and sink to make a little kitchen and they had to remodel the downstairs and create a nursery) to ourselves and she said she would quit smoking and that Ron had a bunch of amazing job opportunities. We also could get a nice car. I mean with a deal like that how could we not move. So we decided we are going to move.

June 20th we have all our bags packed and we head down to Maryland. Here is where disappointment starts to set in. We get there and nothing has been done downstairs the floor isn't finished the rooms aren't painted there are no lights (I could go on for hours with all the work that needed to be done) They had a month, a month!! to finish this and they don't start until 2 days before we move really?!? Serious procrastination. Now I know where Ron gets it from. Gets worse, a couple days after we move in they cease all work on the downstairs and don't even finish. So now we have an unfinished apartment GRRREAT!!!.... *sigh* I being 30 weeks pregnant do as much work as I can cleaning all of the kids messes up downstairs and painting some of the nursery. Ron has been hardly supportive or helpful since we moved in. So many health issues downstairs. The floor isn't finished and has huge gaps that I trip in constantly. There are no blinds or curtains so anyone can see us which is very creepy at night. The place is infested with bugs and spiders. Someone one of the layers of the sliding glass doors so there is glass shards all over the place stuck in cracks which Mikah loves to pick out and try to stick in his mouth (causing a heart attack) There is a giant ugly pile of pieces of metal that are supposed to make a stove a huge safety hazzard for mikah and anyone else. There is a closet which they said they would clean out for us to use as storage (has not happened) So all our stuff is just sitting in the laundry room where it has been since we moved in.

His mom promised we would have all the stuff we need for the baby. As of me being a month from giving birth there is nothing in the baby's and Mikah's room except a swing and some of Mikah's toys. There is nowhere to hang or put clothes. Nowhere to change the baby The place is all wood so its extremely uncomfortable and hard. She said she would quit smoking. Not only has she not quit she smokes insides in front of Mikah (images of me strangling her appear in my mind) Smoking causes my throat to hurt really bad and swell up. So at least 3 times a day my throat feels like its going through hell. Not only that but its starting to get worse each time. I do not want 2nd hand smoke around Mikah that really makes me mad. We thought we would have a car to use when we moved down here. What do you think has happened nothing, no car...lovely...How are we supposed to get around? How is Ron supposed to get a job. Not only that but Ron's stepdad just wrecked his mom's car (apparently he does this a lot) So now I have no way of getting to the bank to save my account from going negative I have no way of getting to the doctors, or the hospital if I go into labor.. Ron has no way of getting to work. Oh to add to this Ron has the possibility of getting an amazing job but its through his aunt and uncle. Well he made a resume to send to his boss (he is sending the resume to his aunt then she is taking it to the boss) He made this amazing resume and his mom (the family is the very definition of all those jokes you see about southern rednecks) His mom said its not good enough and that she is going to fix it....We mine as well consider that job a goner once she is done with the resume fixing. 

Okay so its been weeks since we've moved in and I can't really move around a lot anymore. so its getting harder to do anything. So much still needs to be done and I'm just having a panic attack everyday. Not only that but our baby still doesn't have a name, because Ron and I can't agree on a name. His mom suggested we name her Gianna because his family is Italian (Ron is like 1/32 Italian and I don't really consider that to be Italian..) Apparently Ron loves this name and I'm just to stressed and stretched to my limit now that I gave in. Fine her name can be Gianna. I hate the name because I think of vagina's every time I hear it but whatever its better than any other name he choose like Sophie.. I also like how Ron said he hates all the names I liked because they aren't american names but then he likes Gianna which isn't american either...

I thought he was different. We used to stay up and just talk about whatever we felt like. He really communicated with me. He seemed like he did what he said he did. He was honest and amazing. He worked out and ate healthy and took care of himself. He liked cleaning and having things neat. What a liar!! I'm so mad. All he does is sit on the computer and pile up his dishes. Wait I think I raged about this with someone else oh yeah! Kevin...

DEJAVU!! He never cleans. I have to say something 100 times before he does it. Then he finally does it after yelling at me telling me to leave him alone. He gets up goes to the computer and sits there all day. I'm so disappointed. I don't know if this relationship is going to last. I don't know what to do. I said I wasn't going to marry someone unless it was forever. I didn't know this was how it was going to be... What do I do!? I'm having a baby. He keeps saying he'll change but he won't. He is starting to gain alot of weight cause all he does is sit around. He thinks things that aren't okay are... (like the shards of glass in the door) He lies to me everyday and procrastinates about everything.

I'm going insane. I feel like maybe I should get on happy pills or something. I'm hoping maybe its just me being pregnant that is doing this. There has to be a remedy to this. I feel like everyday I'm stretching myself beyond my limit and its killing me. Last night was the first time in a long time I was thinking about how much cutting used to get rid of the stress when I was younger. I know that I hated that way of thinking and that I would never do that because I'm an adult and a mom I have responsibilities and cutting is immature. I just don't know what to do because I don't think I can take this.

Saturday, Nov 6th 2010

So its my first weekend from school its nice to be able to sleep in for once. So we went to school wednesday and did waxing I got my eyebrows waxed :) Then Thursday we started Hairstyling. We learned a Fingerwave which is an old 20's style that was popular. Usually when people dress as flappers for halloween they have a Fingerwave hairstyle or wig. Its a pretty cute hairstyle. So we praticed that and then after school I got my hair dyed. Its a  dark red and a dark brown color weaved together.

I'm afraid my teachers don't like me cause they are weird. Like I say something and they smile like if they do that I'll leave or they act like I offended them. Ms Carrey was in the lounge and I heard them talking about soy milk and she said she didn't like it. So I said you don't like soy milk? She got offended and said No but you can like it if you want I have my own tastes and you have yours. I was scared after she said it. Like I was supposed to apologize or something. Not to mention she is always have to tell my mom to leave or be quiet. So maybe she is angry at me for that. I dunno maybe she just takes things to seriously. Mom said its because the advanced beginner class is mean and so she is easily upset now. There are 2 sets of people in class right now us and the other students who have like 300-400 they get to go out on the floor at 450.

On Friday we did another Fingerwave just a vertical one instead of horizontal. I got to get a beehive hairstyle which is from the 30's which basically you just put the hair in rollers then after they are done you back come all the hair and the swirl is around to form a beehive. Pretty simple and its cute :)


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